Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Insurance and Other Crap

I haven't written a post in over five years. I started this blog to help integrate all the things I was feeling after going through cancer. Now that I am going through it again I need help integrating all the feelings while going through cancer. All the things I thought I knew but I obviously did not or I wouldn't be in this particular place in my life right now. And there is no sense in going back and blaming myself for not taking better care of myself or for not hearing every word every doctor said to me for the last ten years. That accomplishes nothing. It only serves to make me feel bad and I cannot afford self-pity right now (or ever really.) I told my best friend, last night, that I didn't think I could write any longer because I had spent the last several years in seminary and it had trained my brain to write with words that the majority of people have never heard before. It makes me one of the gatekeepers of knowledge. Keeping people out by speaking in a foreign language. And that saddened me deeply. I did not want to write long winding sentences replete with commas and semi colons - ten lines long. I wanted to write short, pithy sentences that accurately relayed what I felt even if it had to use curse words to do it. So I decided to return to the blog and see what would come out. Today I am receiving chemotherapy. A three to four hour treatment. I am bored having forgotten my headphones at home and unable to play a movie or watch another repeat episode of The Blacklist. I am coughing like I have smoked a pack a day for ten years and ricola and warm tea with honey are not helping rather I think it is ultimately making it worse. I am waiting for them to put in the Benadryl so hopefully the phlegm and mucus will dry up and I will be able to get a good sleep. I feel at the mercy of people doing things to me rather than me doing them for myself. The only thing I can do myself is to write and to put my heart pillow, which has a little pocket in the back of it for my black tourmaline crystal, next to me. That's all I've got right now, and it's enough - for right now. Doctors don't like to give you a prognosis because what if they are wrong? And all Drs. really want to do it save your life, especially surgeons. And if I was a fully cognizant idealist right now I would want them to do it for purely altruistic reasons. But because I am so very sick at this moment (not in terms of symptoms - I feel fine) but in terms of the actual diagnosis, I don't care whether they have an altruistic bone in their body. I just want them to fix this. And I can be proactive, by eating well and getting enough sleep and doing my yoga for cancer yoga and meditations that I have on Gaiam.com. But all of that doesn't change one fundamental fact: I have cancer and I will have to rely on the generosity of others and quite frankly the sheer selfishness of my surgeon's not wanting to fail. I want to be in a boat being steered by a very strong and sure navigator who has traversed these waters before. Presently I am not with that courageous sea-farer.I an with oar-person has relegated me to. And present fact is really the point of this post. Insurance in this country sucks. Because I have two part-time jobs as opposed to one full time job I had to search for and pay for my own health insurance. And I researched. One thing I am really good at! And came up with a good insurance who participated with all my doctors and had great prescription drug coverage and no co-pays. It was heaven, for one year and then 45 was elected and everyone lost their shit and started raising prices and cutting benefits. I was almost priced out of my wonderful health insurance. Then I got sick and realized that all the money I was putting into that insurance for the last few days did not afford me the best healthcare when I needed it most. My poor primary care physician (PCP) called and faxed and texted this insurance company but still an immovable wall. I called and faxed and texted and was told that the highest person I could speak to was the supervisor on the customer service floor. Really? No one who made and decisions? Not one? Why am I telling you all of this information about my sickness and my insurance woes? Because that is the best way I can, right now, shed light on this hellish healthcare system that we have. And yes, there are far more important thing happening in the world right now, not the least of these being the "First Lady's" bullshit: "Be Best," campaign which is so broad it is toothless. There are #MeToo campaigns and Russian inquiries and a man in the White House who is perhaps the world's greatest john/sex trafficker. I get it. And today my problem is with the healthcare system that is not interested in curing anything as much as throwing drugs at it at an exorbitantly high price. I thought I knew better. I thought I was doing all the right things but my due diligence was not diligent enough. So, please be grateful for your health if you have it (if you don't I am praying for you) and for your healthcare, if it works and other little thing that brings you joy today. Feel joy! Today I have joy because none of the people I am sharing the infusion suite with are throwing things at me for coughing every 30 seconds. It's the little crap.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Thoughts become things or in this case people

Today, on my way home from school, I stopped at Trader Joe's to pick up some items for dinner and meals tomorrow. I was standing by the chicken waiting for the lovely stock person to see if there were any chicken thighs in the back. The kids wanted curry chicken for dinner. Needless to say, there weren't. But while I was standing there I looked over by the escalator and saw these two women smelling something. I looked up and the sign said: "Cinnamon Broom: $3.99." Suddenly all I could smell was cinnamon. Surely, the smell was there before I noticed it but now it was in my nostrils singing a little diddy: "Buy me. Take me home." I went over to smell it and it was heaven. It was fall. I could actually see the leaves falling. Pulled back from my daydream by the very real fact that I needed to shop, get home, make dinner, pick up the kids and then finish some school reading, made me put down the broom and walk away. It was too awkward to carry with my hand cart anyway. Well, that smell followed me. All over the store. When I got back upstairs there was no one on line. NO. ONE. For anybody who shops at the UWS (that's Upper West Side, for the uninitiated) TJ's knows that when there is no line you jump on it because if you turn your back the line will be out the door. So, I jump in line but I am still smelling the cinnamon. I make a decision: when I get to the cashier, I will ask if someone can go and grab me one. They are helpful like that. So, there I am standing in line with my hand basket (what the hay are those things called anyway? - Oh, and "what the hay," is a shout-out to my Writing Teacher, Amy - I think she is from the Midwest!), when I realize that I am next. Yay me! So I quickly scan the cashiers to see who is almost done and where I might be going. That's when it happened. I saw sour-puss guy at cashier 29. Now, I may just be extra sensitive but this guy upsets me. He does his job with the appropriate amount of professionalism, but he always acts as though he is doing you a favor by ringing up your stuff and taking your money. You always get the cursory: "How are you?" (I think it's in their work contract!)But that's it. The guy is irritable. And it takes the bloom off the rose of my shopping experience whenever I get him. Well, he is standing there admiring his cuticles (no, seriously), so I think "Oh, he is going to be vain a few more seconds and then I will get the perky girl at register 16. That's closer to the cinnamon broom anyway!" So, I stand there thinking "Please not him. Please not him..." when it happens. The flag at register 29 waves. The happy woman directing cart traffic turns to me and says: "#29." I almost screamed out: "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" But there I was off to #29. Irritable guy. Now I am irritated and I do not want to ask him anything about getting my cinnamon broom. Just ring up my stuff and get me out of here. There I was face to face with my shopping nemesis - and all I could think was "why him, why him!" I left the store without my cinnamon broom. Once outside where the smell of cinnamon was a distant memory I mentally started berating myself. "Thoughts become things, Keisha!" While you were standing there wasting your energy on it not being him - it ended up being him. Just another little trick from the Universe. Trick or wake up call? It was such a slight thing - getting the cashier I didn't want but it reminded me that I have power. My thoughts have power. I learned this all at the knee of my amazing Dean from One Spirit, Franne and her equally fantastic husband Bob. They teach a class called "Infinite Possibilities," based on the work of Mike Dooley. Lesson #1 - Thoughts become things. When I stopped mentally abusing myself for focusing on the cashier and how I could have either ignored him (probably wouldn't have worked the way I think it would), or how I could have sent him love and light (that wasn't going to happen), I was about a half block away from the store. And I stopped. Got comfortable in my body for a second and re-assessed the situation, because I was not taking this drama the next block and a half with me. Bing! My bags were perfectly balanced. I had a really heavy hand basket (that's what it's called!)and it was obvious that I was walking somewhere - everyone in NYC is walking somewhere. So without asking me, he had gotten the sturdy paper bags and began to pack my items. Okay, that last sentence was a bit negative. Rewind. My bags were perfectly balanced. He made it so I could carry them - one in each hand - and not be pulled down by one side. That is a skill. That is thoughtfulness. That is him doing his job. So what if he doesn't smile. He doesn't feel like it. Doesn't harm me one bit. My bags were perfectly balanced. That's how I work to be most days. Balanced (I dropped the perfectly right after having my first kid!). And remembering that "Thoughts become things" is a good way to work toward balance. I am creating my reality. Every. Moment. Don't take my word for it read "Infinite Possibilities" and if you are in the NYC area, take a class with Franne and Bob (or see them next month at the conference in Boston where they will be doing a presentation on their work!. And maybe the next time something is going awry you will realize that your bags are perfectly balanced. And now I will pick up the boys and my cinnamon broom on the way home.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

28 Day Ashtanga/Running Challenge - The actual point

So, yesterday we had a "snow" storm here. Basically it was really heavy wet snow - snow-cone-snow, if you will. I stayed home from ashtanga and planned to practice here. Unfortunately the only place I could find to practice where there weren't other people was down in the basement. And once there I found that ceiling was so low that I could not reach my hands over my head! Ha Ha. We have lived in this apartment for the better part of three years and I never noticed that before. Tonight is more of the same. Max is home sick, again, and I cannot leave him alone in the apartment so I will not be going to class again today. Life gets in the way of our best laid plans. So I will practice at home tonight. Upstairs with my ashtanga dvd - going as far as I have in class. Then tomorrow when Max is back in school I will start this challenge all over again! I promised myself 6 days in a row for 28 days. And since I have not done that I have to start at the beginning. It may take me months to get to 28 consecutive days (not including Saturdays when there is no mysore class - or moon days - the new and full moons - when the studio is closed). A lot of this challenge is about getting used to going to yoga six times per week. But more than that it is about keeping my word to myself. I so often let myself get behind and to put myself last. I make promises to myself that I do not keep because somehow something else gets in the way. Most of that truth is evident in things like Max getting sick and bad weather. But it is still a point that I want to stay with - no matter what else is going on - to treat myself well and to put myself first. My kids are older and can, in a lot of ways, fend for themselves. When I am well-rested and I have eaten well and exercised I am a better, happier person. I feel it and the kids notice it. And it is not too late in life to find this path. And to really practice self-care. So, I will continue to strive for 6 days in a row. I will begin training for the 5K. And I will be posting more about how this challenge is shaping me and changing me. That, afterall, is the point of it. Be well, Keisha

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The Ashtanga/Run Challenge Day Two

Okay, I am techinically writing this on day 3. I really did not want to go to yoga yesterday. I am not very strong, yet, so I was not looking forward to a few positions which really hurt my arms. Upper ward facing dog into Downward dog is horrible for me. And thinking about that position brought fear into my heart. But I made a commitment to myself to go through this challenge and so I went. And that transition was a lot easier. Was I still filled with pain and dread when it was time to push my hips back into downward dog - yes I was. But for a few moments I could actually feel how it is a restorative pose. Now for confession time - I did not start to run yesterday. I was too cold. So I decided to start my running program on Saturday. It is the one day when I do not have yoga and it seems like a good day to start. As I go through this journey I will be posting more information about ashtanga (there is so much there for me to learn - and it dovetails nicely with the Hinduism homework I had for the month of October.). That is all for today, ummm, yesterday! Be well, Keisha

Monday, November 5, 2012

The Ashtanga/Run Challenge - Day One

Technically, as Vivian is fond of saying, my first day of ashtanga was this past Friday night. But I only decided to stick with the 6 days a week ashtanga challenge this past weekend. So here we are. I am pledging to go to Yoga class 6 days a week for the rest of the month for 28 days, because it takes 28 days to change a habit. I can not go on Saturdays as that is a led class. And since I am new to ashtanga and don't know all the poses it would not be useful to go on Saturday. So let me explain for those of you not familiar with ashtanga - it means 8 limbs and the third limb is asana or a physical practice. There are a series of postures that you learn one at a time from your teacher. The practice is called Mysore after the home of the main guru of ashtanga - Sri K. Pattabhi Jois, also known as Guruji. I was first introduced to ashtanga 8 years ago. I loved the workout ashtanga gave you and I liked the one on one time you received from your teacher. After doing research and reading and watching movies (I highly recommend Ashtanga NY), I found an ashtanga studio here on the Upper West Side where I live. Literally two blocks away from my home. And what's more they have a Mysore schedule that fits with my life schedule and a student discount on the monthly cost. Perfect. I am a big fan of my teacher, Zoe, and so far I am maintaining my discipline of getting up and going but it has only been two days after all! And I am sure that if I keep to it it will become a regular part of my day. Now about the running. I registered for my first 5K with the hopes of expanding my running program over the next year. Where it will take me, I am not sure yet, but I am pledging to run 3xs per week using the Couch to 5K program. So this is the first day of Ashtanga and the first day of running begins tomorrow. Check in if you want to track my progress! And please feel free to post comments or to offer support or advice! I would love to hear from you. Here are some useful links about ashtanga and running. Ashtanga Guruji, Upper West Side Ashtanga, Ashtanga NY (available for stream on Netflix) Running Progam Couch to 5K, Cupid Run See you all soon!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

In the beginning was the Word....

When I first started this blog I made a point of writing fairly often. As time went on my posts were more sporadic because I felt I needed to be "deep" and "inspiring" every time I sat down to write. As I have grown as a human and as a writer I realize that there is no need to put off writing until I am in the grasp of some huge idea. Every small idea opens doors and windows. I was also guilty of creating separate blogs to address different areas of my life: one for food, one for camp Mommy, and one for "deep thoughts," a la Jack Handy, just not as funny. Completely unnecessary. Everything I do, eat, wear and think are part of me. There is no need to separate all of it out into neat little categories. I can't do that in my brain, so what makes me think I can do it on paper - well, virtual paper at least. On Facebook I have started posting my gratitude journal. I usually do it for 30 days but this time I decided to do it for 35. From the first day I began posting my gratitudes until September 16th - Rosh Hashanah - the Jewish New Year. I began remembering why I love the fall so much. New school year means new beginnings, fresh paper and pens and pencils. Books yet to be explored. Thoughts yet to be written. What comes with the fall is the Autumnal Equinox and the Jewish New Year and Day of Atonement (Yom Kippur). I love these holidays and indeed these traditions because they follow a lunar calendar. A lunar cycle is how my body naturally works. It is my life circadian rhythm, if you will. Since I am a traveler actively working to make sense of my earthly experience, I have studied many different traditions looking for a home. None of them fit me fully, but I am able to take bits and pieces from different traditions, belief systems and even religions, to make my own spiritual ontology. Recently, I listened to an interview of Krista Tippett interviewing Kate Baestrup, the author of "Here If You Need Me." Here is the synopsis of the book, because it does a much better job of expressing the truth of the book than I can: "Ten years ago, Kate Braestrup and her husband Drew were enjoying the life they shared together. They had four young children, and Drew, a Maine state trooper, would soon begin training to become a minister as well. Then early one morning Drew left for work and everything changed. On the very roads that he protected every day, an oncoming driver lost control, and Kate lost her husband. Stunned and grieving, Kate decided to continue her husband's dream and became a minister herself. And in that capacity she found a most unusual mission: serving as the minister on search and rescue missions in the Maine woods, giving comfort to people whose loved ones are missing, and to the wardens who sometimes have to deal with awful outcomes. Whether she is with the parents of a 6-year-old girl who had wandered into the woods, with wardens as they search for a snowmobile rider trapped under the ice, or assisting a man whose sister left an infant seat and a suicide note in her car by the side of the road, Braestrup provides solace, understanding, and spiritual guidance when it's needed most. HERE IF YOU NEED ME is the story of Kate Braestrup's remarkable journey from grief to faith to happiness. It is dramatic, funny, deeply moving, and simply unforgettable, an uplifting account about finding God through helping others, and the tale of the small miracles that occur every day when life and love are restored." This book changed my entire perception of my "calling," (Thank you Kim Collins for hipping me to this book.) What do I mean by "calling?" When I was ready to apply for college I had a decision to make, and it was one I didn't share with other people. I was deciding between going to college or going to seminary. I felt very sure that my work on earth was to minister to people and help them soothe their souls. There was just one problem with this idea -I wasn't sure, any longer, if I could embrace any one religion. This is where Kate's book comes it. She writes that she is religious but not spiritual, giving the common phrase: I am not religious, I am spiritual, a quick turn on its head. I disagreed. I am spiritual and I am a pracitioner of many religions and none at all. So this is what made the decision to go to seminary, at the age of 19, very difficult for me. I still held onto the idea of a personal G-d but not a personal religion. So I had to walk that path and find out what I could, in fact, do to minister to people's souls. I became a Religious Studies major. I sang. I entered theatre and practiced creating sacred space. I studied Judaism and loved the prescribed behavior of the Orthodox. I entered Witchcraft and found solace in making my own reality and magic(k) through writing and casting my own spells, in taking control of my happiness and my "luck." I walked a short path into Ifa, the tradition of Yorubaland where I have been repeatedly told, when I was in a consultation with an Ifa priest, that my destiny was to be initiated into the religion (seriously I have been told this three times) and that choice still scares me because it would require that I settle in one place on one tradition. But during all of this my desire to minister never left me. I knew my job: to make people's lives filled with love and serenity. And to fulfill the prophecy of my loving astrologer: "To teach people the meaning of life," yea, I would have to figure out what that was first. And what does all of this have to do with words, new beginnings, Kate Baestrup, death and a spritual calling? Let me tell you: I recenty made the decision to attend seminary to become an interfaith minister and to receive ordination. I also made the decision to work as either a hospice or hospital chaplain. My desire to have people experience love and serenity in their life is as strong as my calling to help them achieve love and serenity in their active dying. I have never been afraid of death or the dead - and this was long before I had cancer. I have always found death strangely calming because it was the only thing I knew for sure. So these thoughts and my desire to live a holistic and not a fragemented life, led me to place everything about me into one blog and this is it. Three days ago I started a gratitude journal and I will share that here. I am in the middle of a rigorous job search and I will post that here. I am still working to live the healthiest life I can and I will post that here. I working at placing love and trust at the forefront of my daily practice, and I will post that here. And I am about to embark on a wonderful, joy-filled part of my life as a seminary student and I will most definitely post that here. So, walk with me. Find you own inspiration, love and serenity and let's have a conversation. There is so much to share in this life - in my life - and I want to know what is going on in your life. I want to hear your heartbeat. So bring your life, loves, triumphs and even your disappointments here or keep them to yourself if you wish just allow yourself to live every moment fully. That is my wish for all of you. To be in love with yourself and with your life. It is going to be quite a trip. In peace, Keisha

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Time threw a prayer to me

I wanted to write about my last post. Most people might assume that once you achieve clarity and can surrender that you have done all of your work. You will live out the rest of your days in Buddha-like bliss. Not true - as a matter of fact as far away from the truth as humanly (and other worldly) possible. Once you get clarity and can see how the various webs of your life are interweaved then you can begin to address whatever the common denominator might be. But like a marriage you have to work at it - all the time. And I will use myself as an example, simply because there is no one else available. I learned something invaluable about myself lately. That despite my opening myself to intimacy I still had a rather pervasive habit. I loved people not readily available to me. They were either physically far away or emotionally distant. And I did this for a few reasons but the most pervasive one was that I was reliving my relationship with my father. He was neither emotionally nor physically available to me. And I didn't pick people who were like my father, I became my father. I was emotionally and physically unavailable to others. A great shield for my very tender heart. Picking people to love who would inevitably take up unncessary real estate in my world. And none of it was their fault. They didn't ask for me to have grandiose ideas about their presence. They didn't expect me to grow to know them only to say to myself - see they are not available to me. Or perhaps they wanted too much from me and rather than take the risk to love I hit the bricks. Now, this is a very convenient way to live but you cannot sustain this for your entire life. You will live a very long, sad and tiring life. Surrender takes work. You have to renew your dedication and relationship with it on a daily basis. Today, I choose to open my heart. Today, I choose to be reasonable about my expectations. Today, I promise not to project my feelings of loss and isolation onto another person. Today.... I wanted to be honest with you and to let you know that surrender is not a one time deal. Neither is enlightenment of any kind, otherwise the Buddha would have stopped meditating that very day under the bodhi tree. But he continued until his earthly death. Then there was nothing left for him to do or fix. So, yes, surrender can be eye-opening and freeing but it must be lovingly attended to each and every day. Your vigilance will never end. Make peace with that and know that it will keep you free and full of possibility.