My Hierophant - Upright and Reversed

I have mourned the death of my father over and over again. In small ways and in big ways. It might have been easier on me if I had mourned him fully when he first died but that was highly inconvenient. I hold onto grief and let it out when I can no longer hold it in anymore. And it is always inconvenient. But not this time. I am in mourning right now and it hurts - bad. Someone I love very much is sick and it is not easy for them but it is even harder on me. I know talk about selfish. When I was sick I was really worried about other people. I wanted them to be comforted and cared for because I knew my cancer really hurt them and made them feel lost and out of control. I remember a good friend crying in my presence after I told her of my diagnosis. She got angry with herself and said that I shouldn't be comforting her. But yes, I should have been comforting her. Because she was probably sad about me but ultimately she was sad about her own mortality and looking at the fact that she would have to live if I died and she would have to go through a lot of pain when and if that happened. No one signs up for the kind of pain. And I have spent the better part of my life keeping real emotion, real feeling at bay. But I can't keep it back - not with this person.

My love of my hierophant is deep and abiding. I met him right after my own father died and he immediately became the father I always wished I had. I haven't seen him in years and I have missed that connection with him but getting back in touch has been difficult. It has required me to come to grips with his mortality. And it has required me to lose my father again. I realize that the older I get the more people will leave my life. And I am also too old to postpone these feelings.

I watched two minutes of Oprah the other day. Oprah was interviewing Kate Hudson. I stopped the DVR long enough to hear an actually interesting conversation. Oprah asked Kate what Joy meant to her. She said that the one thing she learned from her mother was to live every emotion - fully. That means the sad things too. To go into them and live there. I've said before that I am afraid of those emotions because I may not be able to come back from there. But the more often I make the trip the easier the return trip will be. Ideally. And I have to believe that - have faith in that. I don't have faith in much and I believe even less.

Yet, here I am. And here I will stay. It is up to me how the next evolution will be spent. And like a foot that has fallen asleep, it hurts coming back to life. I think even more when that thing is your soul.

in peace

It's America - Dammit!

I am a liberal. Most liberals have nothing on me! I am also a black woman in America. But liberals can really get on my fucking nerves. I am not a monolith in my opinion, life or art. I have so many sides to me it would blind you if I released the facets. Yet, if I vote for a certain party then I am somehow supposed to believe everything and agree with everything that party or the representative of that party does. I do not. I am entitled to have a difference of opinion. It is my right. This past weekend something happened that made me come out of blog retirement. The President, my President, won the Nobel Peace Prize. I believe the first words out of my mouth were: "Wow, Congratulations!" And it was not said in a sarcastic tone. My next thought was "how did this happen?" I know a bit about the workings of the Peace Prize (although it took my friend Dave to point out the the peace prize is awarded by a Norwegian panel and not a Swedish one). I know that the deadline for nominations is February 1st and I know that our President took office January 20th. That gave him roughly two weeks as President before he was nominated. Hmmmmm. That seemed like a small amount of time to have exacted much change.

What Rachel Maddow and my additional research so clearly pointed out is that the Peace Prize is not always given for accomplishments. It is often given for the effort and in this case the promise to improve America's profile in the world and to build alliances with the Muslim world. That is laudable - definitely. But when I responded that I felt that he hadn't done enough to get the award all hell broke loose on Facebook. Somehow everyone who disagreed with this decision was lumped in with Glen Beck and Rush Limbaugh. What?! I do not have to think this was a good idea just because President Obama is a Democrat or because I voted for him. And I can think he is a good President and support him without falling all over myself about this award. We are a nation of free-thinkers and I think liberals should be allowed to have a difference of opinion just like conservatives. I fought against being a monolithic black person (oh, you can't talk about black people's dirty laundry in public - or around white people). I am me, always. And I fight against being lumped in with all the liberals. And if my fellow liberals cannot respect my, apparently, G-d given right to dissent, then I think we are in a hell of a lot of trouble. I respect your rights. Respect mine and don't assume I am negative or sarcastic or a hater just because I disagree with you.

It's America dammit. If you fight for it -- fight for all of it!

in peace

And so it goes

I haven't been here for awhile and I think that has really affected my mood. I miss having this quasi-private forum to vent and bounce around ideas. When they stay in my head they get cloudy and persistent. And that's where this post is going. I think, it is time for me to say good-bye to blogging, at least for the time. I have found that it is a good way for me to stop doing what needs to be done. Like the U2 song says: "She's running to stand still."

But as I learned most recently praying with your feet is so much more important. I have prayed with my head and my heart for a long time without moving the prayer down to the earth. They stay "up there" in ethereal land. Now it is time to feel the earth instead of hovering over it. I will miss this - maybe, but it's time for something new.

And so with joy I say:

We are blessed may we recognize the blessing
until we meet again

Nanda Mama

photo:moshing

I went to a Megachurch last night

The church was huge. And even though I was there with over 5000 of my fellow worshippers, it felt small and intimate. The pastor was charismatic, beautiful and dangerous. Donned in black he took us through the stages of grief and levels of ecstasy. We were different when we left than when we entered. Wiser, older, enlightened? From my seat I could see so many different people who also came to worship and be transformed. There were the couples who had been married for a long time. The best friends from high school, usually a girl and a guy and the guy is now comfortably gay and fully open. There were the outcasts cloaked in black and today's version of the teeny-bopper with their hand held electronic devices and pink platform shoes. There were the people on first dates trying to figure out if this other person was someone they wanted to spend more time with or at least have sex with. And then there were the people like me being transported back to a time when we were more innocent in our despair. What were we all doing there? We were probably there for the same reason everyone goes to church - to feel part of something larger than ourselves. To touch the infinite - just for a moment.

The sermon went on for over two hours with ebbs and flows and call and response. We all knew when to stand up and scream or sit down and reflect. Each of us had a different word or phrase the caused us to close our eyes, lift up our hands and silently testify. The Great Reverend took us through so many phases of life, taught us so many moral lessons about birth and death and pain and sex. About oppression and religion and suicide. We swayed and clapped and stamped our feet and had a good - hell, a great cry. We forgave wrongs and woke up old pains. We stood still and broke down. And in the end we said good-bye and went back to our ordinary lives.

The charismatic one in black walked away but left the scent of earth and passion in his wake. We stood there frozen, mesmerized. Had we really just gone there? And was it over so soon? We were drunk and shocked when the bright lights came back on. Dream over, liminality ended. But for those two hours we got to glimpse the infinite and to reach out and touch faith.

Photo: Master and Servant

And so it begins

my year of spirit and health. Meet me there.

You Say It's Your Birthday?

Happy Birthday to Me! Yea, I said it. I am over pretending to be humble and diminutive about my existence. Woo Hoo, Keisha is on the planet! That is a much better way for me to live my life. As I got older I really thought that birthdays would take up less importance in my world. After all, I wasn't a child anymore so there were no parties or presents to be excited about. But I am excited. And I plan to celebrate because me being alive is a good thing. As is your being alive. And it is not just because I faked out death (several times - you ever see me drive on the highway?!)it's because I am not an accident. None of us are. I may not have a firm grip on how and why we all came to be here but I am pretty sure that us being here is a blessing. So party like a rock star today. And think about all the things that bring joy into your life. Here is my list:

My kids
Vivian: She is the kindest, most gentle soul ever. She takes great care of me and her brothers and her daddy. Her heart is too big for her chest so it gets beat up sometimes when it meets the outside world. And I hope she never builds a barrier around it because the love she gives should only get bigger.
Max: Oh he makes me laugh and shout and throw things. He is my greatest challenge in patience. He has definitely been here before and wants everyone to know that. You see his light across a crowded room.
Buddha: So smooshy! Buddha and I are still getting to know each other. And everyday I am more and more in love with what I learn. He teaches me how to be silent and to enjoy my own company. And how to circle the ones I love - keeping them close and giving them space at the same time.

My husband: There aren't enough words!

Flowers, music, Bono, Tom Jones, minivans, silence, prayer, nature, friends, time, the color red, orange, malas, toys, books, kindles, lavender, lilacs, apples, Saving Grace, Tony Shalhoub, Sacha Baron Cohen, reggae, Bob Marley, the sky, rain, hammocks, peace the list could go on ad infinitum. Write one for yourself and have a happy birthday!

we are blessed may we recognize the blessing

in peace

The Grass Is Always Greener - Really?

I think from the outside of most people's lives things can look pretty good. When we view other people through our own prisms we unconsciously (or maybe not) pick people who don't appear to have the same problems we have at the moment. Like, I pick people whose cars are clean and their children seem well-behaved. Because messy cars and ill-behaved children are my achilles heel (along with many others). But I realized a long time ago that if I take their clean car and well-behaved children I have to take their pain in the neck mother-in-law or recurrent yeast infections. I don't want that.

We want to pick and choose from other people's lives. To create and combine our perfect existence without any problems or difficulties. Now that sounds nice. But every lawn has weeds. And if they don't have weeds then the drugs they're giving that lawn is not worth the cancer in later years! Ya feel me? I have spent too much time coveting other people's perceived realities. I stopped doing that but was still dissatisfied with my own life. No longer.

Princess V asked me the other day if I would play Clue with her. I told her I was tired and that I would play tomorrow. She said, "There is no tomorrow, Mommy. You told me tomorrow never comes it is always today." Oh, a moment I will appreciate when she is 20 but right then I just wanted to rest. Needless to say we played Clue and I thought about having my own words thrown back in my face. It is always today. This is the moment I get to make a change. This is the time for things to happen. Even if I have to wait on other people sometimes that doesn't mean that I stop moving toward freedom. My life is as green as I see it. Anybody got a pair of green-tinted glasses I can have?

We are blessed may we recognize the blessing

in peace

photo: Brian.Neudorff