Longing

Everyone is in a different place in their life. I find that I spend a great deal of time, by that I mean too much, thinking about changing places with someone else. Mostly it's my friends who are running races and losing weight and facing their life's demons head on. It's about reading avant garde literature and listening to opera on my ipod (yes, that is about you Tennessee Mary). It is about being someone I think I should be. And then mi secondo mama's voice enters my head (in concert with the voices of several other "mamas" I've had in my life) telling me to ixnay the word "should." I chose to do something. Or in the words of the supreme guru, Yoda, "Do or do not. There is no try." I guess SG would say there is no "should" either. Life is a series of choices. Decisions. Often just periods - no exclamation points.

I remember asking a friend who does not believe there is a G-d, how she got up every morning. Why she got up every morning. She said very simply, because she is alive. Wow. Why isn't that reason enough for some of us, but that I mean the royal we. Me. I got up because G-d was willing me to. As I changed my perspective and became more ambivalent about G-d's actual existence and more interested in Her/His good works it became harder to get up every morning. As if the new truth I was living had sucked the life force out of me. But that is not the case. In fact it is more personal than G-d. It is me.

I have a difficult time reconciling the fact that I cannot do everything. I feel I "should" be able to do everything. And the truth that I cannot paralyzes me. It takes away my gratitude and joy. Now my more astute readers are saying - wow, Keisha sounds depressed. Well, yeah I am. Have been most of my life. Nanda Mama, is a hope. Someone to whom I aspire. She is hard to keep a hold of. I am very good at being her in public. Really good at being her on the phone. But once I get home and close the door she seems to disappear. I have written a lot about needing excitement and newness and adventure. My middle name should be wanderlust. That gives my life purpose. Not really, it just gives my life feet. And it keeps me from hanging out in the uncomfortable. Well, I am firmly rooted in my life here, where I am. External circumstances keep me from moving away - which is a great gift. My feet need to stay here to take care of my three kids and my husband and ultimately myself. My work now is to heal - so many things. And to revel in the freedom and the time I have to do that. And honestly, I am not liking all the things I am finding out about myself. And I am also not trying to change them right now. Just observe. Learn. I will be 38 years old next month and I plan to celebrate that birthday with a great deal of fanfare. Being alive is a great reason for celebration!

We are blessed may we recognize the blessing

in peace

Photo: Azli Jamil