So Unsexy

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind


On my next birthday I will be 39. There I said it. And last week I looked at a picture of me from college. Why did I do that? There was a time in my life when I was not just cute but hot. Seriously. I have witnesses. And this is not about growing old it's about growing OLD. You are as old as you feel. And lately I feel ancient. I have the total Mom thing going on right down to the jeans that are too big for me, well that's kind of a good thing. Where did my groove go?

When I had my daughter I stopped wearing heels. When I had my first son I stopped wearing skirts and when I had my last son I stopped wearing make-up. It was all too much work. I used to be the girl who could get asked to a formal at 4pm and have something to wear and be ready by 5pm. Well now - I need a good week to prepare for any kind of outing. And that was a wake-up call for me. Mom is not synonymous with dowdy. And it really isn't too much work.

Transforming into a mother was a huge step for me. I felt that I was "supposed" to show up a certain way. That I really had to give everything I had and some stuff I had to borrow to my kids - all the time. And that was probably true during labor but after that - they are independent from me. And there are other people who can and will love and care for them as well as I do. I don't need to be onstage all the time. And it is okay to take care of myself. In fact, it's mandatory.

There are au pairs and nannies in our town. Lots of them. I live in that kind of town. And they are all young and nubile and foreign with tight asses. I hate them, each and every one of them. But what I dislike more is my reflection in them. I am never going to be 20 again (20 was a particularly good year!). But when I think of all that I have gained in life since 20, I don't want to go back. I would not trade what I know now about life for what I had back then and didn't know. And this post is about self-esteem. Get it, hold onto it and use it. It's hard for us, Mamas. We feel tired and overworked and overwhelmed. And last week was a particularly difficult week for my psyche. But what I did to get out of that was shop. I went to the MAC counter - which used to be my favorite place. I bought new make-up and I sat there and listened to a young beautiful girl tell me how she wished she had my skin while she applied very little foundation to my face! But it wasn't her compliments that brought back my swagger it was my reflection in the mirror after putting on the lipstick. My lips have always been my best feature. Lipstick applied and my face lit up. My eyes seem to unsink from my head and a smile came to those rouged bows.

So, I am putting the sexy back in my life. And that means putting me first. And taking care of me and doing my best to be fabulous, for myself, most of the time. I know those of you who feel the same way. It is easy to get stuck. So, spring is here. Get unstuck. You can do it. Meet me at the MAC counter if you doubt it!

photo:Alice Marie