I went to a Megachurch last night

The church was huge. And even though I was there with over 5000 of my fellow worshippers, it felt small and intimate. The pastor was charismatic, beautiful and dangerous. Donned in black he took us through the stages of grief and levels of ecstasy. We were different when we left than when we entered. Wiser, older, enlightened? From my seat I could see so many different people who also came to worship and be transformed. There were the couples who had been married for a long time. The best friends since high school, usually a girl and a guy and the guy is now comfortably gay and fully open. There were the outcasts cloaked in black and today's version of the teeny-bopper with their hand held electronic devices and pink platform shoes. There were the people on first dates trying to figure out if this other person was someone they wanted to spend more time with or at least have sex with. And then there were the people like me being transported back to a time when we were more innocent in our despair. What were we all doing there? We were probably there for the same reason everyone goes to church - to feel part of something larger than ourselves. To touch the infinite - just for a moment.

The sermon went on for over two hours with ebbs and flows and call and response. We all knew when to stand up and scream or sit down and reflect. Each of us had a different word or phrase that caused us to close our eyes, lift up our hands and silently testify. The Great Reverend took us through so many phases of life, taught us so many moral lessons about birth and death and pain and sex. About oppression and religion and suicide. We swayed and clapped and stamped our feet and had a good - hell, a great cry. We forgave wrongs and woke up old pains. We stood still and broke down. And in the end we said good-bye and went back to our ordinary lives.

The charismatic one in black walked away but left the scent of earth and passion in his wake. We stood there frozen, mesmerized. Had we really just gone there? And was it over so soon? We were drunk and shocked when the bright lights came back on. Dream over, liminality ended. But for those two hours we got to glimpse the infinite and to reach out and touch faith.

Photo: Master and Servant

And so it begins

my year of spirit and health. Meet me there.

You Say It's Your Birthday?

Happy Birthday to Me! Yea, I said it. I am over pretending to be humble and diminutive about my existence. Woo Hoo, Keisha is on the planet! That is a much better way for me to live my life. As I got older I really thought that birthdays would take up less importance in my world. After all, I wasn't a child anymore so there were no parties or presents to be excited about. But I am excited. And I plan to celebrate because me being alive is a good thing. As is your being alive. And it is not just because I faked out death (several times - you ever see me drive on the highway?!)it's because I am not an accident. None of us are. I may not have a firm grip on how and why we all came to be here but I am pretty sure that us being here is a blessing. So party like a rock star today. And think about all the things that bring joy into your life. Here is my list:

My kids
Vivian: She is the kindest, most gentle soul ever. She takes great care of me and her brothers and her daddy. Her heart is too big for her chest so it gets beat up sometimes when it meets the outside world. And I hope she never builds a barrier around it because the love she gives should only get bigger.
Max: Oh he makes me laugh and shout and throw things. He is my greatest challenge in patience. He has definitely been here before and wants everyone to know that. You see his light across a crowded room.
Buddha: So smooshy! Buddha and I are still getting to know each other. And everyday I am more and more in love with what I learn. He teaches me how to be silent and to enjoy my own company. And how to circle the ones I love - keeping them close and giving them space at the same time.

My husband: There aren't enough words!

Flowers, music, Bono, Tom Jones, minivans, silence, prayer, nature, friends, time, the color red, orange, malas, toys, books, kindles, lavender, lilacs, apples, Saving Grace, Tony Shalhoub, Sacha Baron Cohen, reggae, Bob Marley, the sky, rain, hammocks, peace the list could go on ad infinitum. Write one for yourself and have a happy birthday!

we are blessed may we recognize the blessing

in peace

The Grass Is Always Greener - Really?

I think from the outside of most people's lives things can look pretty good. When we view other people through our own prisms we unconsciously (or maybe not) pick people who don't appear to have the same problems we have at the moment. Like, I pick people whose cars are clean and their children seem well-behaved. Because messy cars and ill-behaved children are my achilles heel (along with many others). But I realized a long time ago that if I take their clean car and well-behaved children I have to take their pain in the neck mother-in-law or recurrent yeast infections. I don't want that.

We want to pick and choose from other people's lives. To create and combine our perfect existence without any problems or difficulties. Now that sounds nice. But every lawn has weeds. And if they don't have weeds then the drugs they're giving that lawn is not worth the cancer in later years! Ya feel me? I have spent too much time coveting other people's perceived realities. I stopped doing that but was still dissatisfied with my own life. No longer.

Princess V asked me the other day if I would play Clue with her. I told her I was tired and that I would play tomorrow. She said, "There is no tomorrow, Mommy. You told me tomorrow never comes it is always today." Oh, a moment I will appreciate when she is 20 but right then I just wanted to rest. Needless to say we played Clue and I thought about having my own words thrown back in my face. It is always today. This is the moment I get to make a change. This is the time for things to happen. Even if I have to wait on other people sometimes that doesn't mean that I stop moving toward freedom. My life is as green as I see it. Anybody got a pair of green-tinted glasses I can have?

We are blessed may we recognize the blessing

in peace

photo: Brian.Neudorff

Ch ch ch ch changes

Okay. I have looked over this schedule and plan several times and some adjustments and caveats need to be made.
1. I am going to switch black beans with bitter greens. Not because black beans raw is a problem (although it is a definite challenge for 30 days) but because bitter greens should have been in the spring. Dandelion and mustard are early spring greens.
2. August 3rd I am going to see Depeche Mode, so that is a different artist allowed day. And in October I am going to see U2. So obviously I get to listen to U2 that day - those tickets were too fricken hard to get!
3. This blog is about a lot of stuff but I don't think I want it to be exclusively about post about this project. So I am going to start a new blog (I like starting blogs) just for posts about this topic. No need to sign up unless you want to. I will add a link from here to there on August 1st.

****** Oh and if you have an aversion to cursing and questionable female descriptions - don't listen to the playlist past Aretha. I had to put some Dr. Dre and Snoop Dog on. So you may want to turn it off and not play it around your kids! :)!******

we are blessed may we recognize the blessing


in peace

Vision Quest

Oh I love my friend Mary. I have written here about her before. She is presently recovering from another surgery - her "takedown" surgery. I am thinking of her and holding her close. And in honor of her I made my usual sojourn to her blog Papergirl. I went back to read about her Art/Lifeproject. For a year she is embarking on a plan to do a series of things every month. Eat one particular food, wear one color - only, listen to only one kind of artist, read only one author, explore only one filmmaker, exclude one food. She is focused and tenacious that Mary. And she has inspired me. She is turning 30 and I am turning 38. I am also beginning graduate school (which will end around my 40th birthday) and hopefully preparing to move my family to a new home and a new set of possibilities.

I want to support Mary and honestly, I think her idea is beautiful and amazing. While my interest is not in melding art and life together it is in opening myself to health and spirit. So, the criteria will be different. My goals are different. I plan to post here about these changes - there are so many. Now, I can hear a lot of you saying: why are you putting more things on your plate? Ultimately I think I am taking more things off my plate. Removing temptations and habits and helping me focus on my own health and personal enlightenment. Mary had a very exhaustive list of what she wanted to do and the things which fell into each category. Mine is much smaller. Mostly I am planning to focus on my physical health, my food intake and my spiritual awareness. I would love to add things like reading only one author for the entire month - but I don't think I will have the additional time to read while working and going to school. I am going to list the categories and I would love it if you all added your suggestions.
Physical Activity - to be done every day for 30 days
Eliminate One Food
Add One New Healthy Food Habit
Reading at least one thing about a different religion or spiritual tradition - the religion remains the same for the entire 30 days - every day for 30 days (can be as brief as a wikipedia entry)
Incorporating a healing technique from the tradition of the month
And my favorite: listening to only one musician for the entire month (this is going to kill my kids!)

So please send your suggestions. Suggest artists, foods, physical activities, send questions. Get involved. I look forward to hearing from you.
This year of vision questing begins August 1st - the day after my 38th birthday!

My Mamas

I had a very wise therapist tell me once, that no one woman could be everything to a child. As the child grows they will find other people to fill in the missing pieces and create a tribal mother - a multi-faceted mother. I always liked that idea, especially because it freed me from being angry at my own mother for all the ways I felt she had not fulfilled my needs. She did the job she was sent here to do and as the Ashanti say: "the child chooses the mother" so she did the job my soul needed her to do. It also released any guilt, and let's face it jealousy, I might experience when my own children sought out other mothers to nurture and feed them.

As I have grown I have widened my mother circle. Some I know in real-time, others have loved me through the pages of their words. Some of them are older than me and some younger. All of them have helped shape and create the woman I am today. And if I stand tall, it is "because I stand on the shoulders of my ancestors" those of blood and those of spirit.

Even though it is not mother's day, tomorrow is the birthday of one of my many Mamas. She is my mamasita, who is in no way small. The space she takes up in the world is large and noticeable. She takes no static. She has given me the gift of laughter, compassion, the absence of should, the freedom to curse and be myself at all times. Her love comes with only one condition, that I give it back. And I do with joy. This Mama and I are also joined by cancer. Me before her. And I count it a great gift to have been available for her through her journey as she was for me through mine. My love for her is boundless and my gratitude without measure.

Tomorrow is her birthday. And I say - Happy Birthday Mama, Norma. I love you deeply.

We are blessed may we recognize the blessing.

in peace