Thursday, January 7, 2010

And if I'm crying while I write these words

is it absurd of is it just me? - Tears for Fears

Yesterday I found an old friend on Facebook. First I found him on and then something said check out facebook. He has an incredibly common name so searching for him previously had yielded no responses. But now he is friends with a common friend and has a picture posted. It is definitely him. And it doesn't look as though he visits his site too often so it may be awhile before I get a response. Or I might not get a response at all.

After the last 20 years of my life I feel almost like I need to be in a twelve-step program for my transgressions of youth and stupidity. The people I didn't understand and value. The situations where I put my interests above those of others. The times when I took more than I even considered giving much less gave. I feel the need to make amends. But what I have realized is that most people don't remember the things that you remember. Your bone of contention with someone is usually not their bone of contention with you, if in fact they even have one. So I am loathe to bring up past sad moments when I reconnect with an old friend. If I would like to rekindle my friendship with them I ask them if they have anything they are still upset with me about, or any questions from our collective past that they would like cleared up. If they have a past pain then we can work through that and I can apologize. I don't know if it does anyone any good to bring up things they are no longer angry about - why so you can feel better and they can get angry all over again? I find making amends to be more about the person you are asking forgiveness from than making yourself feel better. That still feels awfully selfish. It's about you feeling better not healing a rift. So, I clear up my hurts away from the person.

Recently I contacted a person I was friends with in High School. I called this person to get them to come to our reunion. They were less than enthusiastic when speaking to me. My initial thought was - "Don't you have caller i.d. If you didn't want to speak with me why did you answer the phone?" But then I realized that maybe that's what they wanted. Was to speak to me and act uninterested or even cold. And that's okay. I am really learning and accepting the fact that I cannot take the actions of other people personally. And I have always wanted to be one of those people who kept friends from elementary school through each and every job I've ever held. But I am not that girl. Maintaining the few close relationships I have now is a lot of work and I am not doing the best at those. It is even that much more daunting to think about maintaining relationships with people even more dispersed. And that is my process. That is my choice. So I do my best to treat everyone with respect and attention when I am with them or they are in my virtual cipher. Just taking it all one day at a time.

We are blessed may we recognize the blessing

in peace


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