Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Time threw a prayer to me

I wanted to write about my last post. Most people might assume that once you achieve clarity and can surrender that you have done all of your work. You will live out the rest of your days in Buddha-like bliss. Not true - as a matter of fact as far away from the truth as humanly (and other worldly) possible. Once you get clarity and can see how the various webs of your life are interweaved then you can begin to address whatever the common denominator might be. But like a marriage you have to work at it - all the time. And I will use myself as an example, simply because there is no one else available. I learned something invaluable about myself lately. That despite my opening myself to intimacy I still had a rather pervasive habit. I loved people not readily available to me. They were either physically far away or emotionally distant. And I did this for a few reasons but the most pervasive one was that I was reliving my relationship with my father. He was neither emotionally nor physically available to me. And I didn't pick people who were like my father, I became my father. I was emotionally and physically unavailable to others. A great shield for my very tender heart. Picking people to love who would inevitably take up unncessary real estate in my world. And none of it was their fault. They didn't ask for me to have grandiose ideas about their presence. They didn't expect me to grow to know them only to say to myself - see they are not available to me. Or perhaps they wanted too much from me and rather than take the risk to love I hit the bricks. Now, this is a very convenient way to live but you cannot sustain this for your entire life. You will live a very long, sad and tiring life. Surrender takes work. You have to renew your dedication and relationship with it on a daily basis. Today, I choose to open my heart. Today, I choose to be reasonable about my expectations. Today, I promise not to project my feelings of loss and isolation onto another person. Today.... I wanted to be honest with you and to let you know that surrender is not a one time deal. Neither is enlightenment of any kind, otherwise the Buddha would have stopped meditating that very day under the bodhi tree. But he continued until his earthly death. Then there was nothing left for him to do or fix. So, yes, surrender can be eye-opening and freeing but it must be lovingly attended to each and every day. Your vigilance will never end. Make peace with that and know that it will keep you free and full of possibility.


Amy Elaine said...

Yes! Clarity is such a gift, and I love that we are striving for it together.
Love you past the sun.

John Garrett said...

Hi Keisha,

I'm impressed that you are coming to grips with this and recognizing those traits which are always hard for us to see in ourselves.

This is tough for many of us, but sadly too many don't ever take that good long look at themselves to figure out that they are responsible for changing things, instead of blaming other people.

I did that for far too long and wasted a lot of time. I hope the journey continues to bear fruit for you!


Julie said...

I love the honesty & transparency in your writings. I leave your blog with something to think about, every time.