Thursday, December 30, 2010

My Obligatory New Year's Post

There are places I remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

~ In My Life, The Beatles

I am not one for quoting Beatles' lyrics even though I love so many of their songs, sung by other people, but this one has been in my head for a bit. This post is about loss. 2010 was a difficult year. So many things up and went. And not that I didn't see them coming or even invite some of them in, but endings are hard no matter who you are.

I've always fancied myself as being good with change - but I am not. I fear it. I try to pretend it is great, fine, necessary, helping me evolve. But secretly I curl up into a ball and die a little every time. Often feeling overwhelmed but not able to heal myself at that moment so I "DO" whatever needs to get done and I put on a happy face. And I can only do that for so long, usually as long as I need to to get through the transition period, and then I fall. I retreat to bed, to writing, to sadness, to somewhere so I can heal a bit and then I attack the feelings and work through them. This process can be unproductive in real life and so I have back-burnered feelings of "change fear" and loss for decades! Because there is of course, laundry. And a lot of that is self-preservation because dealing with the pain at the moment would have been overwhelming and also utterly useless because I don't know what I am feeling immediately. What Kubler-Ross stage of grief I am in.

Right at this moment, with pretty much every loss I had this year, I am in a place of acceptance. Knowing full well that at any moment I can instantly be plunged back into anger. That is the risk of being alive and human. And I considered going through and enumerating my losses but I don't think there is any need for that. I have written and cried myself out on them. Suffice it to say that they did not kill me - so obviously they made me stronger.

I have been feeling optimistic about the coming year. Even though my personal new year and sequence of change, starts back in August, I think 2011 will be a good time. Initial fears of moving away and on are gone. I have settled into my new surroundings and am developing an action plan for the next step. And I am being honest with others and most importantly myself and the kids when things are not going well. And that is ultimately all we can do - the best we can in each moment.

Bits of melancholy still exist. And anger and frustration. But through all of that I remember that there is sun, there is warmth, there are chocolate chip cookies! So I am giving myself patience and affection this coming year. Gifts to me. And there is always the next second, the next breath to make another choice. Like right now - I am going to say good bye to you all and go and wash my dishes.

As always I wish you love, tribe.

Happy New Year!

in peace,

1 comment:

Amy Elaine said...

Yes, 2011 will be better. And when we celebrate your mile-stone birthday, we will DANCE. xoxoxoxo me