Sunday, January 2, 2011

Love Me

I am a very emotional person. And I cry easily - very easily. But not in front of other people. That takes time. My sister posted a song I adore on her Facebook page the other day - Addictive Love by BeBe & CeCe Winans. They are singing about their love for G-d for Jesus. And maybe it's because I was raised in a Baptist Church (and baptized there at the age of 7 - by choice)that this song wrings my heart and makes me so happy. I remember sitting in Fred Gaines' office and we were talking about the Gospel Choir at Lawrence. And he said he was listening to the lyrics of the songs and while they were singing to G-d they could have easily been singing to their child or parent or lover. And then the genius on my itunes account went and did it and played Seal's Love Divine. Waterworks. "Love can help me know my name."

Then the rainstorm came over me. And I felt my spirit break. I had lost all of my belief, you see. And I realized my mistake. I need love, love's divine, please forgive me now I see that I've been blind. Give me love, love can help me know my name. ~ Seal

I am so scared to write this post, my hands are shaking. Before I married Ilya I was a firm believer in a G-d with personalities traits and greatness that I could not comprehend. S/He listened to me and knew what I needed and interceded on my behalf. When I died I had some place to go - some place where I would fit in and I could call it my home. Ilya identified as an agnostic. He didn't know if G-d existed and didn't really care one way or the other. Over time that made more sense to me. Except the not-caring part. And when I was very sick I was okay with things ending. No more pain and suffering just loss of consciousness. We won't know anyway, right? What was more traumatic for me was the thought that I would be some place unable to hold those that I loved and be with them but to see them in their happy times but also in the bad times. To watch them suffering from afar unable to intercede. How cruel was this idea of heaven? Despite my desire to "see" certain people from my life again - I had to say that I don't think that is going to happen. But like today, I saw Fred briefly while listening to a love song.

And try as I might I cannot let go of the G-d part. I have never been a very logical person so why start now. I need to feel that there is something bigger than me that loves me perfectly, just as I am. I need that. People can and will disappoint you. We are imperfect, cruel and some of us malevolent. We go to church, meditate, climb mountains to conquer ourselves and become greater than that which chains us to the earth. When I was very young I would sit and ponder why I was here on earth. What was I supposed to do? What did G-d want from me? Then as I got older and I de-personalized G-d, changed his gender, made her a puff of smoke that my clinging to only caused suffering, wrote his name in another language, I never let G-d go. There must be something, someone out there who loves me as I am - no matter what, no matter the day or the hair style. Unconditionally. People cannot do that - and do not try to convince yourself that you can because you lose what love really is.

We re-negotiate the meaning of unconditional to mean so many different things. Well, no I can't allow you to do whatever you want, child, because I have to discipline you, keep you safe. Well, outside of playing in traffic which is how our ancestors learned and the strong survived, (but that is an entirely different post) whatever we ask of those we love - for whatever reason - is a condition. We tell ourselves it is not a condition of loving them - of course not. But it is. We have standards and requirements from those in our lives. Only makes sense it is our life after all and we should be able to control who enters and most importantly, who stays. And that is only human. It's alright.

But to be loved with no condition - by someone or something that stays with you your entire existence. Who will hold you and wipe your tears and remind you who you are deep-down when no one is looking. And I searched for that love. And looking for someone to save me. Studying every religion but never committing myself to any because all of their G-ds had requirements of me. And some of their gods actually worked against my happiness. Religion is still fascinating to me and allows me to go deeper into myself and see what is worth keeping and "with a breath of kindness blow the rest away."

"Ain't nobody gonna save you, Savior self." ~ Cree Summer

Really? All there is is me? Well, that's not going to do it because I am fucked up. I can't get my parents to do it? How about that boyfriend from 1996? NO ONE!!!
How could whoever created the universe do that to us? How could they just leave us fend for ourselves. FUCK. YOU. GOD.

"For you alone you are the everything." ~ REM

But that's the thing. If a "who"ever created us, then yea, this thing called life is going to be pointless because people can be pointless and petty and well, people. I don't want my creator to be like me - only greater. But what if we were an accident? Particles collided.....
Then THAT makes us extraordinary! Really? We evolved from nothing? At one point all of us takes the trip of the universe - that's how we got here. We were nothing, and then we were small, and we grew and we learned - much like the earth - how to survive to equalize ourselves. We created institutions and dogma and Steve Jobs. We are amazing. From nothing.

Grace. That is what I call that within me which will not die, will not surrender and will not kill me. That which makes me stronger and bolder and greater than before. That which whispers in my ear during the darkness of night, which can be so long, and tells me, it's alright - we've seen the Sun before and it will return. That which not only allows me to evolve but demands it of me. I have a friend who I love very much. And my moments with her were some of the moments that I saw perfection most clearly. Not that she gave them to me - but she was my 100th angel on so many things. She is adopted and the name on her birth certificate when she was given to her new family, was Grace. I am reminded of the work it took to bring her here. To bring each of us here. And just like the earth we have evolved over time into truly beautiful and bright beings.

"In you that journey is." ~ Angels in America

Grace and I are still working on our relationship. And I am hoping that we will continue to do that until my last breath. That she will continue to remind me that I am loved. That I am able to survive because, well, I am here. And that everything I ever need I already have and anything I ain't got - well, I'll never need. Grace's job isn't to teach me how to balance my checkbook or work my ipad. Grace's job is to remind me of all it took to bring me here. To allow me to see, unconditionally, the perfection I am. Like I said, she and I still have work to do.

"All I want to do is just explain...why I feel the way I do, what a joy to share with you." ~Addictive Love, BeBe and CeCe

Many of you have said to me either in writing or in person that you read this blog. That it touches you at various points. And I am not asking you to tell me those things - because this is, despite all the "I"s in this post to the contrary,not about me. Really it isn't. And of course my ego loves hearing your responses, but it is not necessary any longer. All I want to know is that I am not alone. That there are others around me working it out. Especially when it is hard. And always when it is joyful. So just write "ditto." And I got you! Feel me?

"Terror is just a small thing. Get ready for the burning, the yearning, the praying, the wishing." ~ Cree Summer

I wish each of you Grace.



Mary said...

Ditto. xo

Amy Elaine said...


kare o' the mountains said...

it's going to take me a while to fully absorb and digest this one. sending so much love your way.