Tuesday, January 6, 2009


I am angry. And am trying really hard not to be (that picture is helping!). I always fancied myself a strong communicator, but apparently I am not. And when I am misunderstood or ignored I get angry - no pissed. It seems easy, this communication thing. Case in point: I recently had the opportunity to spend time with a couple who has been married longer than me and my husband. There is no pretense about them. They say what they mean and the other believes it and moves on. No filter of: "what does that really mean?"
I grew up in a family that didn't really "say" a whole lot of anything but meant so many different things. I got that gene. Often I think I am being crystal clear and then I see this bewildered look on the other person's face. How to say what I mean? It probably starts with knowing what I mean.

I think mixed messages come from lack of clarity in our desire. At this one moment in time I am angry. I assumed that someone would do something because I assumed that I had made my wishes clear. Apparently I did not. And I am angry with that person. But why? Was I really cryptic? Or was that person just not listening? Did I not follow through? Or is this just an attempt to get me to do the work - I always take over botched jobs because I can do it better myself?

I don't know what I want most of the time. It often looks as though I do. I am very good at appearing in control and "with it." But I don't know how to be happy. I don't know how to stand up for myself and I don't know what it is I want. The Ba'hai faith encourages an independent investigation of truth. Do the work. Find out what you want and what you believe. I am in the midst of that investigation and attempting to get comfortable with imbalance and searching. My revelation today was that I often look decisive and on point because I can make quick decisions. But those decisions are often made quickly so I don't have to be in a place of uncertainty. A place of chaos. At least my choices are made....period. It is unpleasant to live like that. Not many people really like change or imbalance. And I realize that I avoid it at all costs. So now I am angry. Because I didn't communicate my needs because I didn't know what they were and I expected someone else to figure it out for me.

A friend suggested I breathe or rant through this anger. Whichever one worked for me. I have done both. That was my rant which allowed me to breathe.

We are blessed, may we recognize the blessing

in peace

photo: Virgipix


DoulaMomma said...

"But I don't know how to be happy. I don't know how to stand up for myself and I don't know what it is I want."

seems pretty clear to me. I share some traits! ;-0

carriex3 said...

YOU are awesome... Express whatever:)