Sunday, July 12, 2009

The Middle Places

I have written a lot about being in the middle place. Waiting. And I know I have also written about how I am not good at it. Once again I find myself in that place. Waiting. Decisions need to be made and since I am a grown-up now (perish the thought!) I don't make them by myself any longer. There is something wonderfully beautiful about having your life depend on others and something outrageously annoying about it too.

I like to stick with somethings long past the expiration date. Hanging on to old habits and old people even when they have obviously become toxic for me. And then there are opportunities that arise that I quickly discard, perhaps noticing how healthy they could actually make me. In light of my last post I am contemplating surrender. Letting go of those things that don't serve me anymore. And most importantly not giving a damn about what other people think about it. I hold myself hostage a lot.

My family is standing at a crossroads. One road is the one we have been on for years. It is familiar and can ultimately be damaging. Another road - well I can't really see it for all the overgrowth. And I think Frost wrote about this already. It is dark and scary that way. There are more people depending on me and so that makes the safe choices look more appealing. But it feels as though this time, and at this particular crossroads we know better. We are better equipped to get through the forestry. Or is that wishful thinking? How do you know you aren't making the same mistakes over and over again?


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